Emoshiz.

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na gustong gusto mo makasama yung isang taong mahal mo pero di pwede?

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na parang sinisingit ka lang niya para masabing di siya nagkukulang?

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na ikaw lang ang may gusto na magkita kayo at hindi siya?

Nakakainis eh. Nakakasakit. Hindi ko maintindihan kung nag-eemote lang ba ako dito dahil may hormonal changes ako or talagang ganun lang ako. Siguro, masyado lang din akong attached na sa taong yun. Hindi ko ginusto ito, hindi ko rin pinilit. Pero ganun eh, talagang mapapamahal lang sayo ng sobra ang isang tao. Pakiramdam ko noon, pareho kami ng nararamdaman, pero hindi yata. Ako lang yata yung palala ng palala. Ako lang yata yung nagbibigay nanaman ng sobra. Sabi ko noon, ayoko na ng ganitong feeling. Pero bakit ganun? mas nagmamahal ako kahit nasasaktan na ako. Ang drama ko, nakakaasar.

Hinihingi ko lang naman oras niya eh. Oo, naaappreciate ko na ang bait niya ngayon matapos lahat ng away. Pero parang very superficial lang. Bakit hindi ko maramdaman na mahal niya ako? Bakit kahit mabait na siya, masakit parin para sakin? Bakit parang kulang? Bakit ayoko makuntento?

Minsan, naiisip ko, maghiwalay na lang. Pero mukhang mahihirapan ako. O dahil naiisip ko, kayang kaya naman niya kasi na wala ako. Bakit parang kahit mawala ako, okay lang sa kanya? Kung ano ano naiisip ko, hindi ko alam kung bakit. Love ko lang naman siya talaga eh. Ewan ko na. Am I asking for too much? maybe, I am. Ewan ko na talaga. Nahihirapan narin ako. Hindi ko na alam saan ba ako lulugar. Talaga bang ganito dahil nababato ako at siya, busy? Minsan, gusto mo lang naman makarinig na, "may problema ba?" Kaso, wala eh. Wala talaga. Gusto ko lang ng attention. Kaso wala rin talaga.

Nakakalungkot. Kung kailan gustong gusto mo na makasama at makita yung taong mahal mo, tska hindi pwede.

Ang hirap. :|

Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Mygosh. It's been a week since we stopped texting. I don't know what's going on. I just want to have closure if possible. I miss him a lot and I can't stop thinking about him but I know everything's different now. He's gone and I'm left alone. I really want to talk to him but there's something that is stopping me from doing so. It's been three weeks since our last talk. I sent him a message on our day but he didn't reply. I really don't know what's up with him. :( I am sad but normal, I guess. :|

I'm trying to act normal. I really am.
I'm trying to just stop thinking about him.
I am trying everything I can just to forget him.


Now, I am just holding on to the Lord. I know He will never ever leave me. He will guide me wherever and whenever. :)

I'm back cos I'm broken.

POST LAST NOVEMBER something...

I don't know why I feel so bothered lately. I can't stop thinking about things. What things? I don't know either. I am just so confused with what I am feeling right now. Ever felt like you need a lot of explanation but there's no one to explain? I am searching for tons of answers lately and this feeling just makes me act super weird. I can't sleep nor eat properly. At school, I feel I am okay but when I get home, here goes my mind wandering again. :| Trying to analyze people's advices and responses to every happening makes me insane. I'm getting sick and tired of this feeling but I just can't forget. Honestly, maybe this is just because of one person. As much as I want to ignore everything that happened between us, I really can't. I know it's pathetic. :(

On the other hand, I can't tell that person what I'm going through right now. I am too scared that I might lose him. I am too afraid that he might think I am such an obsessed and easy girl. Honestly, I really can't find the right words to express what I have here in my heart and mind. I guess this is my first time to feel something like this. Maybe because I think he's perfect for me. He made me truly happy. He made me feel very important. He made me feel loved and secured. Setting aside the sweetness and cuteness he showed, he made me feel something different; something true.

Some people say this is just an infatuation. Maybe, it is. But for me I guess it's not. I think I wouldn't be super problematic and worried about things if I am just playing around like a kid. I wouldn't have those sleepless nights if what I feel for him isn't real. I wouldn't cry every night if he really didn't have an impact on me.I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night wondering if he's thinking about me. Maybe, I just miss him a lot. I miss talking to him, laughing with him. EVERYTHING. :( I don't know if I would still be able to do those things with him. But I'll keep on praying.... I'll keep on praying for him. For us to be okay someday.

I don't know why I am saying these things, honestly. Perhaps, I just want to burst out half of my drama.

Oh well. I tagged you because you're special to me. Also, I need your prayers, badly. I don't want to feel this way anymore because I think it's too unfair. Maybe it's my fault too cos I don't have the guts to tell him what I feel. I don't have the strength to let him know that what I feel for him. Maybe because I am really scared of losing him. I am scared that he might just leave me without saying goodbye. Or maybe he thinks I am not serious about this. But I know God has plans for me. Just pray that I may have peace of mind. Please.. (Grabe ang labo ko na. Sorry.) I am very very confused. :| :( =((

TO YOU: I am thankful for having someone like you. Thank you for letting me feel this. I just hope things would be crystal clear in time. HAHA. Please don't ever leave me. I don't care what our status is right now, but I really wish that... BLAH. You know that already. I guess I'll be holding on to the things you said before unless you tell me to forget everything. I miss you so much... I miss being with you... I miss everything about you...

KAPAG SINABI KO YUNG ISANG "I MISS", ALAM MO NA KUNG SINO TO. KAYA WAG NA. =))))) KIDDING. :)

I'm sorry for this sabog entry. I should be having fun tonight but.. :|

28th's coming. :D

Okay. I'm turning 18 seven days from now. :D Yayyyy! :)

My simple wishes were granted. :D I got an iPhone, a new camera plus shopping money. Yayyy! :)) Plus, I'll also be having dinner party with my friends on the 24th and 30th. :D Can't waitttttttt. :D

Thanks for my parents for making my birthday month special! :D Lovethemmmmlots.

*I didn't ask for a formal debut party cos i find it super hassle talaga. I'm too busyyy with school and it would probably kill me if i'd have one pa. Hahahaha. Oh well. I know my simple treat will be reallyyyyy fun. :)

UPDATE! :D

I guess I have to update this blog before the year ends, aye? Hahaha. :D Before anything else, I want to greet everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D

In a couple of days, 2009 is coming.
New year, new life. :)

I hope January 1st strikes with peace.

Can you imagine all the dramas that happened this year diba? But despite of all those, happiness still never left me. Thank God for a fruitful year. :D

SUPERHUMAN: Thank you so much for bringing light to my life. Although it lasted only for less than a month, your effect on me was great. I'm sorry for hurting you, for bringing you so much pain... I just hope you'd talk to me soon. I wish we would be friends just like before. It's not like you're going anywhere, right? See you soon, Sushi. :) Thank you, again and again. :)

FIRE EXIT: Hey you, I know we haven't spent so much time together now but I want to thank you for trying to be there for me all the time. I love you, bestfriend. :)

PAPAW: You ruined everything! Hahaha. Kidding. :P I want to thank you also for your efforts. For your willingness to change just to get back my trust and love; for always coming back to me although I'm pushing you away. Thank you. :)

CRETIN: Thank you for keeping your mouth shut now. Though I know you're still stabbing me hard behind my back. I want to say sorry for causing you too much trouble. For giving you loads of dramas. You know I didn't do everything intentionally, it just happened. I just wish you true happiness and peace now. I hope you'd grow up and eventually mature. :) And please get a life. :D God bless!

THEBFF'S: You two are so plastic. Last na 'to. Haha. But you know I can't do anything about it. I guess I just have to let everything pass again. :) Hope you might as well change. :D Please grow up. :D

THEBOYSSS: Thank you for being such good friends. :) I love you so much. =*

Important people in my life I really treasure. :D

To everyone, HAPPY HOLIDAYS! May we all have a blessed year ahead. :D God bless us all. :)

It's been a while. :P

Okay. I'm kind of 'free' tonight. HAHAHA. Intrams lang so I really have nothing to do until tomorrow. :D Thank God atleast my brain can rest for 2 days. Haha!

A lot of things has been happening.
Too many things to tell.
Too many things to talk about.

And it would really take long for me to tell you everything. Just go and find everything out. Hahahaha. Especially YOU who is very intrigued about my life. (Points out to the girl who asks her friend from the States to view this effin' blog just because she's freakin' scared that I might find out her f*ckin' IP Address and her forest-y house. *laughs really hard*)

Well anyway, my subjects now are killing my neurons already. All I can do is to go to sleep after school, wake up and study study study! I can't even watch tv anymore. Ugh okay, part of me is saying I should shift course, but I have and I know I can do this. Haha! I WILL. Definitely. :D

I'm terribly missing someone right now cos he's not talking to me. :/ Sushiiiiiii. :(

(Hey you Cretin a.k.a. Stalker, mag-investigate ka na! :D)

Another.

Random title. Haha! Anyway, just got home from a longggggggg sleepless night. Vv had a sleepover at my condo @ the fort. (Upload the pictures please. :DD)

1. Friday: CSR @ 12nn
2. Powerplant shopping with Eesah, Dorothy and Jo
3. CSR again to meet up with batchmates
4. Went to Glorietta to... SHOP again! :))
5. Swimming at the clubhouse.
6. Picked up Edizza
7. Swim again. (2 minutes nalang! :]]]]])
8. Washed up.
9. Went to Highstreet.
10. Krispy Kreme and Club Princess
11. Mckinley stopover
12. Back to condo
13. Waited for the guys
14. Drink drink drink!
15. FUN FUN FUN
16. MY 2-minute moment. :">
17. Slept @5.30am
18. Woke up at 9.30am
19. Bathing
20. Lunch
21. Brought them to Glorietta.
22. Went home @ 3pm
23. House-to-house for the Halloween Party @ 4-6.30.
24. Dinner @ the fort.
25. Shopping @ Highstreet.
26. Starbucks.
27. Went with Josh to shop again.
28. Finally, I'm home. :>

2 dayssssss- I am super tired but happy. I swear. :"> I love it. ♥

Gomenasai.

So I told him to stop.

I don't know. It just popped into my mind. I thought nothing would really happen to us so I decided to put an end to what's he's doing. (Gad, he's the 7th(?) guy I dumped in 2 months:/)

I feel guilty everytime he calls me and I don't answer. Everytime he sends me messages and I don't reply. Everytime I make excuses just to cover up for my mistakes...

I'm tired of doing these. I'm sick of all the dramas. Of everything...
Perhaps I need time for myself. I need to focus on myself alone...

TO YOU: I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry... Thank you for respecting my decision. Thanks for being there all the time; for your patience and understanding. Super thank you. :) Someone better deserves what you're giving me right now. Just go and look for her. You will soon find her for sure. I hope you'd soon be okay. Goodluck! :)

1st Semesterrrr Blah.

I got my grades already. Pfttt. Okay naman.

What makes me sad? :

Nakakainis talaga. 0.06 na lang for earth's sake! :( Perhaps, nagkulang ako sa push. Nagkulang ako sa effort. Nagkulang ako! : Plus, I had depressing months pa diba? Hindi naman kita sinisisi pero kasalanan ko rin naman dahil nagpaapekto ako. Oh well. Can you imagine, 0.01 na lang ang kailangan ko in six subjects to be in the Dean's List, hindi parin nahabol. : GAAAAAAH talaga, Blanche. Nakakainis.
Di bale, may second sem pa. Kaya ko 'to! Kayang kaya. I mean, kakayanin. :))) In God, I trust. :D

* for the Dean's listers: OMEDITOU MINA~SAN! :) Job well done! :)

My feelings show. :)

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I'm torn between two lovers. I'm effin' confused. :/

Okay, so there's this guy who courts me. Before he came, there was another guy... Then we sort of lost communication for awhile...

Biglang boom! I saw him earlier. :))

He texted me. We started talking again. He was sweet again. :

pffffffffffffffffft. Kilig ako, OO NA! :)))